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Taylor Hawkins

The heartbreak that the changing of tenses brings. The weight of it, the shock of it. It’s unbelievable and feels inconsolable. 

To speak about Taylor Hawkins in the past tense, when he has always been so present in our lives feels so grossly wrong. Sadly, iconic musicians like John Bonham and Buddy Rich, who transcended what it meant to be a drummer, for me personally have always been spoken about in the past tense. But we were blessed and lucky enough to live with and love Taylor Hawkins in real time. He is, now was, the definition of the drums for me. He was and always will be the bar of what I’m chasing on the drums. I don’t mean the fame or commercial success but just the way in which he played: Give everything you can in the moment. Enjoy it. With a smile or a gurn on your face, play the drums with the magic music gives you when you open yourself up to it. 

I’ve seen the Foo Fighters live 19 times. In arenas, stadiums, festivals, secret club gigs and public parks. I have collected drumsticks and set lists from venues like Concorde 2, Milton Keynes Bowl, Earls Court, Glastonbury and even Hyde Park, where Taylor’s setlist and drum stick once landed from the sky square at my feet. I anticipated every new single and new album release with the same youthful excitement I felt as a teenager when I first discovered the band. And the beautiful thing about the Foo Fighters, is that this die hard super fandom is felt world-wide. I know there are countless others just like me, who have dedicated years to obsessing and wondering what the band will do next, anticipating what the next album concept will be and what drum set up Taylor will play on the next tour. This bleak, numbingly raw and tearful weekend will continue for a long time for fans and I find solace knowing I’m not alone in the helplessness and shock of his passing. 

But I wanted to write about why I feel this way in the hopes of processing and understanding my grief. Why go and see the same band time after time for so many years? Why have I never tired of the new releases even though their sound has never really strayed too far away from what it’s always been? What was it about Taylor Hawkins that made such an impact on me and now feels so ingrained in who I am as drummer? Even though in reality I didn’t actually even know the man. 

My best friend Ben and I are two drummers who met at secondary school and have long bonded over our shared passion for playing the drums. There had always been the ’Trifecta of Drummers’ from our era: Travis Barker, Chad Smith and Taylor Hawkins. Like so many teenagers in the early 00’s, we idolised them. Set up our drums like theirs. Learnt the albums from front to back. Ben was Travis and I was Taylor. In fact I even remember when I first saw Ben play drums I was instantly jealous because he had this beautiful mane of long blonde hair just like Taylor’s. What our three idols Barker, Smith and Hawkins all shared in common was not necessarily what they were musically playing, but how they played it. It was how it felt, how it sounded and how they looked whilst playing that cast such a powerful spell over us. Their power, their styles and groove all varied in different ways but they were and are united in creating an infectious energy. These kind of drummers are special. These drummers force people who don’t play or know anything about the drums to not be able to take their eyes off them. You can’t describe what it is. But the connection and synergy you feel is real. You can see it in the out pouring of love and heart ache online since his passing. His smile and laugh echoes in all corners of the internet right now because we all found him so infectious. 20 years ago I caught that Taylor Hawkin’s virus real bad. 

‘You know who you look like when you play drums? - That guy who plays drums in the Foo Fighters!’ 

I’ve lost count of how many times someone has said that to me after a gig. Awkwardly flattered to even be mentioned in the same sentence as someone as great as Taylor Hawkins, of course I knew why someone might think it. When I play the drums he’s always been who I was imagining I am, who I am trying to be. Whether it’s practice, rehearsals or performing live. It’s always been him. The gurn, the flailing arms, I would play shirtless, in shorts, cymbals at a ridiculous stadium rock height, rim shotting every snare hit as loud as I possibly could in my school hall gigs. All of it, to just be more Taylor. Posters plastered on my wall, school diaries decorated with Foo’s logos and pictures of his drums have transcended into Foo’s tattoos and too many band t-shirts as an adult. The fandom has been shameless. But the thing is, Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins have also been exactly the same. They were also a couple of super fans living a music geeks biggest dream. 

I’ve been chasing and channelling Taylor’s drumming style my whole life, but Taylor was also channelling his idols. I thought I was trying to be Taylor Hawkins but really we were both just trying to be Stewart Copeland, even if I didn’t realise at 12 years old. A Police, Rush and Queen mega fan, Taylor Hawkins set his kit up to match his idol, Queen’s Roger Taylor, with roto-toms aplenty and stadium height cymbals galore. On stage Taylor would recreate Freddie Mercury’s infamous call and response singing to the crowd. 

How many times have you seen interviews with Dave Grohl excitedly retelling stories about when he met and performed with his musical heroes. His latest book ‘The Storyteller’ is littered with so many tales of how growing up he felt inspired and compelled to learn every song of his favourite bands. He, himself is covered in Led Zeppelin tattoos and an obvious offspring of a drummer who grew up imagining he was John Bonham. In his book he even prays to a mural of him! 

They are just like us. Fans. Our realities maybe different but it doesn’t matter, you still relate. Rolling Stone re-shared a 2021 interview with Hawkins at the weekend, where he speaks of how he massively struggled with being nervous before playing even the band’s smaller club shows. Nerves? Who would have thought someone of his phenomenal stage presence and musical ability would be feeling the same sorts of feelings we do. Another relatable attribute to add to the ever growing list with Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins, but it’s still important to remember whoever we put on the pedestal and idolise as heroes, they are also just as human. Capable of the same vulnerabilities and pressures as us, even if our worlds feel so apart.

Taylor Hawkins’ ability on the drums wasn’t measured by how many people he was playing in front of. It was how he made you feel when you were there to witness it. And that’s why we, the drummers in our bedrooms and our garages across the world, could picture ourselves to be just like him, whatever our context or ability. 

Even if you don’t play the drums or a musical instrument I feel you can relate to the band in so many ways. In particular the friendship between Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins. There’s nothing better than seeing two best friends laughing together, performing together and achieving greatness together. There’s a moment at the Foo’s first headline Wembley Stadium shows where you see the two of them frozen in disbelief looking at each other that they’ve made it to Wembley. For me that moment says so much about everything they went through together over the years in a matter of seconds. That unspeakable connection that a friendship brings. Particularly in music, where so much is often felt rather than said out loud. 

We don’t know them. But we do know what it is to have a best friend. Someone who you’ve loved, grown with and overcome the struggles that life brings you. It’s yet another part of what makes the band so relatable and I think it has been a key to their success. Foo Fighters fans are united in our love and appreciation for the bands clear love and appreciation of music and of each other. Unfortunately, in this moment it’s what makes it all the more heartbreaking, shocking and unbelievable. As Dave Grohl always says at the end of any Foo Fighters show  ‘we never say goodbye because I know we’ll always come back’. I think as Foo Fighters fans we have always believed that to be true. Now having to live in a world where that isn’t, feels very hard to be in. 

If we as fans are feeling like this, you can’t begin to imagine the pain Hawkins’ family and band mates are in right now. There are no words that will come close to describing it. 

After keeping my emotions under control whilst teaching my drum lessons on Saturday, at the end of the day when everyone had gone home, I broke down and wept at my drum kit. Head in hands, floods of tears, eyes stinging. For a moment I felt terrified that if I can’t even look at a drum kit and not think of Taylor Hawkins and this pain, how am I supposed to play one? Had I cursed myself by allowing myself to be so heavily inspired by a band my whole life? Their passion, sound and feel has created the fabric of my own musical DNA. I get so emotionally invested in things, the highs and the lows hit hard. But in that moment that’s exactly what I did next. I picked up the sticks and hit. As always, I instantly saw myself as Taylor Hawkins in a flurry of flying sticks and flailing arms, playing whatever was coming into my stream of consciousness in that moment. The rawness of the pain still lingered behind my eyes, but the joy and ‘feeling’ he has etched into my passion for playing burned just as brightly as well. I felt better. 

In Grohl’s book he writes about how he has had to deal with the loss of Kurt Cobain and his life long best friend Jimmy Swanson. You hate to think how that man feels right now after this latest tragic loss. For someone so kind, so positive and so influential, he should never have been forced to endure such pain. In the book he concludes that he still thinks of these two significant friends everyday: ‘Though they’re no longer with us, I still carry them with me wherever I go.’ 

We’ve been been so lucky to live with Taylor Hawkins in real time. I plan to carry him and his spirit on the drums wherever I go. 

 2020

It’s been a shit year. For everyone. If you got through this yeah without saying the expression ‘oh for ffffff-‘ at least once, I applaud you. Since March it’s felt like an everlasting whirlwind of riding the world’s shittest and slowest rollercoaster. And to be honest we’d quite like let to get off now please. Unfortunately, at the moment we can’t. Keep your hands fully sanitised and firmly inside the vehicle, because this shit-show ain’t ended yet. 

It’s hard to see the positives in such a difficult time. There aren’t many. But if you look carefully, deep between the - well, shit - there is some good to come out of 2020. What I’ve personally seen throughout this hellish year is people trying their absolute best to simply and fundamentally cope. However unbearable or unbelievable it’s been at times, coping is something we certainly have achieved. At times it may have felt like you really weren’t coping. But I believe that feeling is par for the course: a necessary wave you have to ride to get through the storm. You may feel like the tyres are spinning and you aren’t moving forwards, but this year it’s just important that there’s motion in the tyres at all. 

For me personally, as well as the amazing support from my family, friends and the Zoom video conferencing app, my coping mechanism and safety blanket has been (surprise surprise) the drums. And I’m taking a moment to share with you as to why. Not in the hope that you learn to play the drums (although what a terrific idea) but to celebrate the value of how having a hobby in your life, that you can control in some small way, can see you through the darkest of times. Or at least that’s been my experience of it. 

Me and the drums work as a team. They need me and I need them. When gigs are cancelled, lesson numbers are down and band practice is off, the drums are still there for me if I only go and pick up the sticks. The drums challenge me in the best way. They don’t question my bank balance or ask me to justify my political position. But they push me to want to be better, point out my weaknesses, make me listen to what I’m saying, challenge me to reflect, work, grow and improve. We have good days and bad days but they’ve been there by my side no matter what. Even when I broke my hand in February (remember that!?) I was still able to work and practice the drums, albeit slightly awkwardly. They didn’t forget me, tell me to find another career or deem my passions to be non-essential. They stood ready to play no matter what the R-rate was. 

I’m extremely fortunate to have had access to a drum kit in this awful time and appreciate that not all drummers have been so lucky this year. I also realise reading this back that it sounds like I’m saying I’ve taken a break from drums to focus on drums this year. That may be true, but having that extra hobby in your life doesn’t need to be connected to your career. Here’s a list of activities and interests that I know some of my friends and family have used to get through this year: running, gardening, animation, knitting, song writing, working out, calligraphy, baking, video games, reading, golf, walking, puzzling, painting, pottery, drawing, film editing and the list goes on and on. All of these activities will have brought them a new focus, some natural frustrations but hopefully an overwhelming sense of joy. And when you’re trying to cope in a pandemic, joy needs to be grasped at like the last bag of flour in mid-April. 

Whilst many of us will still feel like we didn’t achieve anything that may have significantly forwarded our careers or long term life goals this year, if you’ve been fortunate enough to be able to indulge in a new or existing hobby, you’ve probably actually done far more good for yourself than you realise. What’s more, by indulging in that hobby you might not realise how much joy it may have brought to the people around you. 

So if like me you’d usually use this time between Christmas and New Year to recharge, reflect and reset your mind for the coming year, perhaps have a think about whether you can bring more of your favourite hobby into your life. Be selfish and indulge yourself in an activity that you know you’d like to be better at. With restrictions in place, some hobbies will be tougher than others but if you can get involved in some small way it could be what you need to get you through the next few months. It’s helped me cope this year and maybe it can help get you through the last few slow loops of this shitty rollercoaster too. 

Wishing anyone reading this good health, growth and joy for you and your family right now. 

2021. We go again.